Judgy exhales

I strapped Finn on my back and we went strolling to the nearby grocery store. I "aim for shade" and smother him in inches of sunscreen, because I'm aware of the fact that Finn refuses to wear a hat. We are turning the corner (in shade) when my hairdresser confronts us. Bellowing a thick and oppressive cloud of smoke directly onto Finn's face, she wheezes, "Ooooooooo LINDO!!!!! Bebe needs a hat. WHERE IS HIS HAT?! You cannot do This"!

Sigh.

Teething rings in Lisbon

Finn's favorite toys are my thigh master, a stuffed giraffe & the dvd case for Richard Gears's "SHALL WE DANCE". 

...his recent attachment to the dvd case is so severe, we have brought it out publicly to avoid the screaming and tears.. At a nearby gelato shop, smiling Portuguese parents offered Finn their daughter's squeak toy. "Just take this, we have more at home". My rushed explanation only awarded our "unit" with more concerned stares.

PORTUGUESE treat new moms like queens

In visiting the grocery market, I've become THE MOST socially awkward person in existence. I am terrified of long lines because if I don't immediately  "cut the que", I'm met with the gasps of frustrated locals who sigh and angrily gesture at my lack of parenting skills. Initially when motioning that I didn't mind waiting in line, strangers barked at me in obvious protection of Finn, and looked as if they were min away from calling the PORTUGUESE social services. "YOU HAVE BABY, COME ON LADY"! 

This glorious postpartum- pampering applies to each activity. Parking handicap is encouraged and major shopping malls have a marked "express checkout" lane for new moms. Joining my landlady at Pilates class, Finn blows loud raspberries each time the instructor picks him up and swings him around. Other locals sometimes bring their babies (and pet chihuahuas???), and when the babies cry,  I've yet to see one single glare (EVEN FROM THE MEN TAKING THE CLASS)!!!!!! .

Lisbon Pediatricians

We met with Finn's new pediatrician, "Dr. Leonor" today. Besides LOVING how thoroughly she checked-over our baby, she also happens to be an exact replica of Orphan Annie (envision: tight pin curls) and wears an apron instead of a Doctor's Coat. To  check Finn's vision, she hovered three inches above Finn & slowly swung her (fiery red) head in a large counterclockwise circle, making sure his eyes tracked her movement. 

Maria our Portuguese landlady

Our landlady's personality can be defined by 3 examples taken from her (knowingly) shared dvd collection:

1. "Animal Instincts 3: the seduction" (soft core porn).

2. "Mulholland Drive", David Lynch. 

3. "My Fair lady", (Aubrey hep/ circa 1964)

I feel that I understand this woman SO COMPLETELY!

White trash mom in Sintra, Portugal

We set out walking to dinner in tonight's "cloudless skies" only to be SHIT ON by an angry rainstorm (4 min later). Ergo- baby'ing in-tow, we proceeded to sprint to refuge, and I felt like COMPLETE WHITE TRASH in realizing that Finn's legs were drenched. Nearing a "hormonal/ tearful episode", we barged into a restaurant FULL OF ONLY (mostly drunken) MEN. The waitress (a 20yr old) whisked the baby away and into a bundle of towels, as fast as she handed me a half liter of red wine (that cost 2.5 euro). The nearby "man party" refused to make eye contact with B. Finn, AND THE BABY HAS TURNED INTO AN ABSOLUTE HAM/ couldn't stop screaming and smiling at their unresponsiveness. 

Our waitress (Stephanie) taught us some Portuguese / and I can now announce: 

"The baby's cheeks are so fat"

"RED WINE"

"veal"

and....(most importantly) "men are annoying". 

We were driven home, AND I FREAKING LOVE IT HERE (the cheap half liter of vino also HELPS). 

We have moved to Sintra, Portugal

A gift from our landlady "Maria", who firmly instructed Joe that, "he will watch Mr. simpatico (Finn) tomorrow, and I will take Elizabeth to Pilates"! 

I explained i'de never tried Pilates, and she said, "you look good... Well, not so bad, you just gave birth. BUT YOU CAN LOok MUCH BETTER"! (I love this kind of bluntness).

Maria collects antiques and is a psychiatrist to "couples and to the old". Her ex- husband lives next door & her partner "comes over to play piano".

Sintra National palace

Sintra is beautifully overwhelming: 

Italian tourist's reaching fingers pinch Finn's fat cheeks as we pass by on narrow stairwells. My compulsive need to slather EVERYONE's hands with the "pathetically organic hand sanitizer" in my bag, is stifled with their squeals of, "BELLO!  belisimo!" 

Waitresses insist on holding Finn, and so many strange kisses are planted all over our spoiled baby's face. 

We show Finn a ceramic wall, and I'm crying. I see Joe showing Finn a statue, and I cry. I feel so very blessed to be here. 

Thoughts on baby developments, and other things

-Considering that singing to a baby is paramount to brain development, can "Salt & Peppa' verses" count as a nursery rhyme????? 

"Nine, oh, 2, 1, oh".....

- Each day, Finn DEMANDS "alone time". He wants no part of: being cuddled, story time, ANY eye contact/ exaggerated smiles, developmental toys, or hearing Tru TV's prank shows playing in the background. 

We have to leave the room, while he rocks "silently alert" in his chair for an hour. 

If we pop our heads into the room to check if he is ok, he violently flexes his hands in the air and gives an angry snort.

- Gave my baby "Dr.Seuss PTSD" today/ HE literally SHOOK WITH FRIGHT! This book's illustrations & storyline are more frightening than THE WORLD's MOST INTENSE AYAHUASCA TRIP! ..... (Up next: think I'll skip cartoons in lieu of scenes from "tommy" & "clockwork orange").

-

Finn meeting his GREAT Grandma Laura ( 96, and a deff firecracker)! ...In a deep Castilian accent (which oddly mirrors Fire Marshall Bill's voice from "in living color") Grandma Laura lectured "how important it was for a man to take a girl's picture".  

"In Hong Kong I had a boyfriend ONLY because he liked to take my picture".

Parenthood

Finn excels at loudly SHRIEKING while throwing stationary high kicks in bed. He will ONLY perform this talent between the hours of 1-5 am, and is specifically gifted at aiming/ landing direct kicks to all cesarian scars within range.

Parenthood

Finn excels at loudly SHRIEKING while throwing stationary high kicks in bed. He will ONLY perform this talent between the hours of 1-5 am, and is specifically gifted at aiming/ landing direct kicks to all cesarian scars within range.

Baby pimples

Baby acne makes me feel like a "white trash mom". I might as well strut into my pediatrician's office wearing cut offs & dress my baby in only a diaper.

When asked if Finn also has a rash on his back, I'll take a gulp off my "Quick Trip Cola- Freezoni" & answer, "no, that's just Dorrito crumbs..they wipe off".