racist granny

Granma Jo.  I am inseparably close with my grandmother, call her weekly and like to disillusion myself by assuming that I have held the top placement of best grandchild over the years.  I make sure to ask her tons of questions about my grandfather, who has set the standard impossibly high in terms of how the women of my family expect to be treated.  This is a man who on Valentines Day mowed and edged her backyard with “I LOVE JO LAYNE”.  She wears pearls while vacuuming the house alone and growing up always had pies or cookies in the oven.  That being said, she is also completely and hysterically racist.  Once, me and my sister went to her house for English toffee and conversation.  This is how she casually began, “Girls, a negro boy came by the house the other day”

“What?” we gasped, choking on our lemonades.

 “Yes, a negro boy came on by the house the other afternoon and wondered if I’d be so kind as to let him trim my bushes and water my plants.  After he was finished, I asked that Negro boy into the house for a coke a cola and we got to talking.  I had the most pleasant time with that young man; he didn’t speak any Ebonics or anything”. 

“Granma Jo,” my sister whined, “You can’t be calling black guys negro boys, you are lucky he didn’t shoot you or something, god.”

“Shoot me? Lauren he would never have shot me, you are the one being a racist!!  I just told you that he was eloquent with his words, and I‘ll have you know that I was feeding him complements and candy all afternoon.  Don’t be reading into the stereotypes girls, its not very ladylike.”

“Is she joking?” I asked my sister, rolling my eyes

“Whatever, its fine Granma, just for future reference don’t call them negro boys to their face, at least you didn’t tell him you were happy he didn’t speak Ebonics” I laughed

“OF COURSE I TOLD HIM!!!! I LOVED THAT HE DIDN’T SPEAK EBONIX; I WANTED TO PRAISE HIS VOCABULARY.  I also told him that he was the first Negro to be in my household, I bet you girls want to laugh at that too?  Clearly if I was a racist, I wouldn’t be inviting the coloreds into my house, would I?  You girls are just teasing your old Grandma, now stop it”