western women or sex tourists?

Hiding in the bush

 Hiding in the bush

I believe that doing drive-byes are a totally justifiable way of practicing my motor vehicle skills, snooping allows me to believe I'm part of the investigation unit on Law and Order and asking daunting questions are just a part of being proactive with expanding my vocabulary.  I'm a girl who found nothing wrong with hopping on the back of a motorbike taxi demanding to " follow that bike" through three neighborhoods with a hooded sweatshirt on, in order to see if my man was headed somewhere inappropriate, ( side note: he was, and I ended up splitting beers near the lake with the taxi driver who had curiously long pinky nails which he explained were for his cocaine addition).  The only other time I found a boyfriend cheating, involved me walking in on him and another lady in the loving act of doggie style, only to later chuck 32 eggs close range at both him and his whore screaming, " this is what you get motherfucker!!! "  As I said, I am shameless, jealous and untrusting.  To further explain why I am perpetually single, I was  utterly convinced that my most recent ex was cheating on me and on a Friday night two years ago.  After  7 large Chang beers, I was on the motherfucker (ala Nancy Drew) and planned to Get to the bottom of it/ bust some heads in.  

The morning of the incident started off fine, I was carefree and totally in love with a patient man who worshiped me and never would have strayed.   Then, my cramps came on with a fever I have yet experienced since.  We were stuck on an eight hour bus/ boat trip to koh phangyan, an island off the east coast of Thailand.  I was hunched over, sea sick and vomiting when my ex bought me beer as means to dull the pain, or at least make me forget how uncomfortable I was.  It worked like a charm, until I irrationally began thinking he was staring at other women .  Due to a period being every girls excuse to eat their feelings by use of chocolate, I chomped away at my snickers bar in between slugs off my beer, all the while glaring at him as he placed his arms securely around me.  In the  early stages of my intoxication, I  blurting out things like, " ooo, so your liking blondes now?" and " I'm sure your ex Susan didn't have as bad of pms as me huh?" as I hiccuped and proceeded to  swig off my 40 oz.

We exited the boat, and knowing we had an additional twenty minute drive to the other side of the island, I should have maybe grabbed a bottle  of water, but then again, this story wouldn't have happened would it?  I grabbed another large beer and like a lunatic put on my iPod to Alanis  Morresestes, " you outa know" as I aggressively pinched my beau while sitting the back of his motorbike.   When we got to our friends hotel, the girl my ex "must" have been cheating on me with was obviously going to be at the hotel waiting. I popped my knuckles and clenched my fists knowing that I was ready for some Jerry Springer action to go down!  

We arrived and he said something calm to me along the lines of, " baby what's wrong?", at which I slapped him and ran off into the jungle, infuriated about absolutely nothing.  My ex, didn't chase me, but instead went to probably smoke a joint to get the hell  away from me and my "passion" at his friends bar nearby.  From the bush that I went to pop a squat into, I could see him and a group of five friends chatting and having a ball.  My phone rang, disturbing my vantage point.

"Ashley,what is it?  I can't talk right now I'm in a bush"- I whispered

" Liz.? What do you mean your in a bush, and I'm calling you long distance!" 

" ya I know, he is waiting for her and I can see him, I'll call you back"

While I was busy trying not to blow my cover, my boyfriend had disappeared.  If I was sober and thinking logically, I would have assumed he had gone to the restroom, or I wouldn't have even been hiding in a bush stalking a perfectly innocent man.  But bloto Liz, was connecting the dots and I knew he must have crawled into "the whores awaiting bed" in one of the 8 bungalows nearby.  I scampered as wary as a  deer in hunting season, ducking behind trees with my shoes in hand in order to go unnoticed and stay quiet.  I crept up onto each of the balconies to check outside for his shoes that I assumed would be resting next to the pair of "fuck me heels" from the chick he was banging inside.  To no avail, I couldn't locate him, and hysterically texted my beau  " where the fuck are you?? I can't find you and I can't believe that you think I can just sleep on the beach, I don't have a room, you don't love me!!" Immediately,  I got a " lol, I looked for you in the bush you were hiding in earlier, ya we all saw you.  Come over here and I'll make you coffee Hun".