Thai beauty salon...All of the beauticians/ customers were "WIGGING OUT" about a feline being on its "death bed" since October of 2012. NEWSFLASH: This cat (and her embarrassing ALL PINK ensemble) was not "under the weather", but I'm 100% sure that she had accumulated multiple bed sores from being forcefully splayed atop the lap of one of Pi Noi's deranged customers. The healthy cat (who eerily resembled Jayne Mansfield), was enthusiastically attempting to catch bugs the entire time! I had my ombré updated, while the cat's owner shrieked, "Jayne's protective woolen pink scarf, it is loose"!!!!!
Monday, January 5, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Selling silver in Nepal
I have two more silversmithing orders!!! HOOORAY!!!! This does mean however, that today I will endure drinking 90 gallons of teas and barter my sweet ass off, all to receive THE EXACT SAME PRICE, for THE EXACT SAME STONES, from THE EXACT SAME JEWELLER, who has ALWAYS GIVEN ME the SAME DAMN DEAL, (for well over three years now)!!!
.....Here is how he exchange always goes down, I sit down and am immediately handed a cup of "friendly" tea (keep in mind that it is currently Ramadan, so everyone in the gem market is a tad grumpy). I will ask for 4 stones, that WE BOTH KNOW HE WILL EVENTUALLY SELL TO ME FOR AN PREVIOUSLY AGREED UPON NUMBER. Ahmed will exhale a long sigh, and begin too look about, suddenly weary with both the Nepali government and his immediate surroundings (???) , "OOOO, dear sister, the tax on stones has increased just today!!!! The stones, they now cost 150 USD! WHAT CAN I DO!!!! IT is so bad, so horrible dear little sister! I think i am needing to move from this place with my family! It is so bad what they are doing to the people! I can not longer make a business! The price, i would never cheat you little sister, but what can I do??? " (at this point, it is totally normal and expected in the gem market, for the buyer to severely reprimand the jeweller). "Ahmed, YOU ARE LYING TO ME. I WILL NEVER PAY THAT PRICE. SAMA NEXT DOOR SAID HE WOULD SELL THEM TO ME FOR X, BUT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR QUALITY IS BETTER? YOU SAID THAT YOU WOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR PRICES? WERE YOU LYING TO ME? SAMA HAS ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE WILL NOT RAISE HIS PRICES? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND? (insert: i have grabbed my purse and have started to walk toward the door) DO YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR SISTER? I DONT THINK YOU DO? YESTERDAY I PAID X USD, THAT IS THE PRICE I WILL PAY, OR IM WALKING OUT OF HERE! YOU CHOOSE!" (at this point, Ahmed will bobble his head- calmly smile, and fill up your tea cup. At this point, you both will awkwardly sip your glass and smile demurely at one another (as if you are on a date) , and talk about something off subject, while he decides how long he he wants to "keep up this charade". The "long term goal" for Ahmed, is to get you to pay 5$ above your original price. To him, all this "song and dance" is worth it, in the long run. So, as I stubbornly hold my ground/ (look at pictures of HIS BABY POSED WITH AN UNLIT CIGARETTE), the painful formality will literally last for at least an hour, before the price is agreed upon and you both leave the exchange genuinely happy! The first time Joe witnessed me partake in this process, (at the Afghani market in Jaipur), his head was spinning with all the local Afghani men shouting and cursing at each other one min, then hugging and shaking hands with each other the next. Deff an initial culture shock, that I can say, (over time) I have proudly adapted to!
.....Here is how he exchange always goes down, I sit down and am immediately handed a cup of "friendly" tea (keep in mind that it is currently Ramadan, so everyone in the gem market is a tad grumpy). I will ask for 4 stones, that WE BOTH KNOW HE WILL EVENTUALLY SELL TO ME FOR AN PREVIOUSLY AGREED UPON NUMBER. Ahmed will exhale a long sigh, and begin too look about, suddenly weary with both the Nepali government and his immediate surroundings (???) , "OOOO, dear sister, the tax on stones has increased just today!!!! The stones, they now cost 150 USD! WHAT CAN I DO!!!! IT is so bad, so horrible dear little sister! I think i am needing to move from this place with my family! It is so bad what they are doing to the people! I can not longer make a business! The price, i would never cheat you little sister, but what can I do??? " (at this point, it is totally normal and expected in the gem market, for the buyer to severely reprimand the jeweller). "Ahmed, YOU ARE LYING TO ME. I WILL NEVER PAY THAT PRICE. SAMA NEXT DOOR SAID HE WOULD SELL THEM TO ME FOR X, BUT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR QUALITY IS BETTER? YOU SAID THAT YOU WOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR PRICES? WERE YOU LYING TO ME? SAMA HAS ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE WILL NOT RAISE HIS PRICES? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND? (insert: i have grabbed my purse and have started to walk toward the door) DO YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR SISTER? I DONT THINK YOU DO? YESTERDAY I PAID X USD, THAT IS THE PRICE I WILL PAY, OR IM WALKING OUT OF HERE! YOU CHOOSE!" (at this point, Ahmed will bobble his head- calmly smile, and fill up your tea cup. At this point, you both will awkwardly sip your glass and smile demurely at one another (as if you are on a date) , and talk about something off subject, while he decides how long he he wants to "keep up this charade". The "long term goal" for Ahmed, is to get you to pay 5$ above your original price. To him, all this "song and dance" is worth it, in the long run. So, as I stubbornly hold my ground/ (look at pictures of HIS BABY POSED WITH AN UNLIT CIGARETTE), the painful formality will literally last for at least an hour, before the price is agreed upon and you both leave the exchange genuinely happy! The first time Joe witnessed me partake in this process, (at the Afghani market in Jaipur), his head was spinning with all the local Afghani men shouting and cursing at each other one min, then hugging and shaking hands with each other the next. Deff an initial culture shock, that I can say, (over time) I have proudly adapted to!
Uncle Feyte ...Turkey
The moment I walked through the door of Tijen's families summer home, her Uncle demanded to know if I was hungry. Muttered something regarding pregnancy & olive pits in English, he asked Tijen to translate, "Uncle Fethi says that you are too thin, and that if you ate only one olive pit, people would surely think you were pregnant. He wants you to eat more, now!!" A lovely spread of food (that my tastebuds couldn't comprehend) was devoured on their balcony, (which overlooked the impossibly blue sea) I was left bewitched and grateful.: After Tijen received a "thorough" lecture on the importance of work, love, and making proper life decisions- her proud Uncle poetically explained to me that "in life you can only trust the opinions of those who have nothing to gain from you (family), because all they want is your absolute happiness, and f-ck the rest, live your life"! (newsflash- the man is like a chapter from "tuesdays with Maury", & I am tremendously envious of Tijen's possession of love from such a charismatic and wise man, who is so desperately devoted to her. Watching him wait with bated breath on her every word pulled @ the "old heart strings", and left me teary eyed with feelings of homesickness.
As they chattered away in (ridiculously attractive vow- harmony) Turkish, the utter warmth of her family,the food, scenery, etc),was a bit too much to bare!! My mouth literally ached from grinning, and I was sure that at one point they must have thought I had just free- based lithium, when Uncle Fethi announced, "Liz is a happy, always smiling girl. She can call me Uncle, and come back! ". (she shoots, she scores!)
As they chattered away in (ridiculously attractive vow- harmony) Turkish, the utter warmth of her family,the food, scenery, etc),was a bit too much to bare!! My mouth literally ached from grinning, and I was sure that at one point they must have thought I had just free- based lithium, when Uncle Fethi announced, "Liz is a happy, always smiling girl. She can call me Uncle, and come back! ". (she shoots, she scores!)
pop pop
My wonderful pop pop just passed away.
He was always a generous man, and set the highest standards for all the women in our family on how a "chivalrous man should treat a lady"- My mother is my most cherished blessing in my life, and her character would not be what it is today, had she not been raised by my grandfather.
Each time I saw Pop Pop / talked to him on the phone, he was inquiring on the "state of my automobile", and whether or not I needed new tires". On one occasion, (when he was in his mid 90's, he was so happy that I had recently purchased a convertible jeep wrangler, which was the "car from his youth". He immediately demanded that we go for a spin, and after my uncle and Aunt helped boost him into the car, and he drove about with his cowboy hat in his lap (so it didn't blow away). On that trip we took my car to the auto repair shop to immediately get BRAND NEW TIRES! I can remember how proud he was with his cowboy hat on, signing the check for my new set of wheels, and i thought, "this is an example of a southern gentleman"..... He will be remembered and missed.
He was always a generous man, and set the highest standards for all the women in our family on how a "chivalrous man should treat a lady"- My mother is my most cherished blessing in my life, and her character would not be what it is today, had she not been raised by my grandfather.
Each time I saw Pop Pop / talked to him on the phone, he was inquiring on the "state of my automobile", and whether or not I needed new tires". On one occasion, (when he was in his mid 90's, he was so happy that I had recently purchased a convertible jeep wrangler, which was the "car from his youth". He immediately demanded that we go for a spin, and after my uncle and Aunt helped boost him into the car, and he drove about with his cowboy hat in his lap (so it didn't blow away). On that trip we took my car to the auto repair shop to immediately get BRAND NEW TIRES! I can remember how proud he was with his cowboy hat on, signing the check for my new set of wheels, and i thought, "this is an example of a southern gentleman"..... He will be remembered and missed.
relationships
Joe just said, " the UN just said, The UN- being the UNITED NATIONS LIZ"- really? WHo does he think he is dating? TERRIFYING!!!! I should have sat patiently listening to his rant about Syria, crossed my eyes, twirled my hair, & blurted out, "I HAVE A BELLY BUTTON"!
pap smear
Do you ever feel like there is a massive culture shock when traveling back to the united states, and that you are just not meant for "small talk" anymore with first world citizens?!?!
For Example- While receiving my annual pap smear (smear- vomit) this year, my male Gyno (who adores my labia) asked "why I decided to move away from sunny southern Thailand". In stirrups, while his fingers deeply searched for cysts, i casually replied, "umm, Meth started spreading around the south, my friend had her thumb cut off, a headless body washed up upon the shore near my house, I got rabies, dengue, and my apartment was broken into multiple times.....wait, i'm being way too dark and gloomy for this PAP, sorry! Awkward! I live in Istanbul now.. It is absolutely lovely there, so safe! Many cruises leave from there. Have you been? Ephesus is divine!".
For Example- While receiving my annual pap smear (smear- vomit) this year, my male Gyno (who adores my labia) asked "why I decided to move away from sunny southern Thailand". In stirrups, while his fingers deeply searched for cysts, i casually replied, "umm, Meth started spreading around the south, my friend had her thumb cut off, a headless body washed up upon the shore near my house, I got rabies, dengue, and my apartment was broken into multiple times.....wait, i'm being way too dark and gloomy for this PAP, sorry! Awkward! I live in Istanbul now.. It is absolutely lovely there, so safe! Many cruises leave from there. Have you been? Ephesus is divine!".
Loving Athens
People are TOO kind in this city/ I distrust them, and I am convinced that I'm min away from being attacked!!! I just strolled past an elderly man whose hunchback and arthritic shaking hands were a clear indication that he must wake up on the "wrong side of the bed" regularly. The hunchback and I shared a narrow cobbled sidewalk, and I was obliviously in his way. The gentleman catching sight of my tourist camera, did not shake his unsightly finger in my face, or command me to "move my shit" (which is what I expected); but surprised me by quivering with utter delight!!! Jovially he cried out ," WELCOME to aTHENS!!!!". Who are these people? How much lithium are they putting into their tzatziki? Anyways, it was so welcoming and lovely.... Growing up in California, I've never in my life confronted visiting tourists with a "welcome to America" or "hope you are enjoying California's Disneyland!!!"... How lovely of an impression would it have made if I did this, and how well i would represent my country ??? I'm going to start. This man made my day!!!!
protective toe jam
Yesterday joe lathered himself heavily in sunscreen, but neglecting his feet and ankles. He is now walking around like hot coals are directly underfoot. Today we are sailing off on a boat trip to snorkel within an ancient sunken city, and Joe is looking MIGHTY sEXY on board, dressed in protective tennis shoes and snorkelling in high socks!!!!!
paying it forward
Paying it forward today- the world's most destitute dog takes up residence on our block!! He howls wildly at his own reflection (at 2am), protects the lazy street cats with the vigor of a Gurkha soldier and refuses to budge an inch each time he is splayed across our cobbled street (insert "leap frog"). Our neighbors all make his nasty ass food, so, today ... I've hopped on the band wagon.... Chicken delight for the mr. scabies!!!!
fender benders
Yesterday I popped in to see two of my "original Thai language teachers" (ie: hairdressers who formerly taught me to count in Thai & also "schooled me" on every hyper- feminine vocabulary word in existence (think "crass beauty shop gossip"). I was treated to a fringe, & lectured on the reasons I should "NeVer DYe my hAir DArK aGAin, bECAuSe iT wAS So uglY oN me before" (over the years I have come to adore the Thai way of "calling a spade a spade"). We rushed outside to devour roti during the rainstorm, because pi Noi found such enjoyment in watching the idiots at the traffic circle get into fender benders..."Look at this red truck, it will for sure crash....(roti munch, munch, munch)......ah, not this time, maybe next time you will see it Eliz"......a great day!
Banana Porn and Arm Slings
Monday- Sitting in the government hospital's (endlessly long) waiting room, watching a Russian harass the "receptionist nurse " for the location of his Thai wife. "SHE HAD HAD PLASTIC DEVELOP ON HER NOSE! DO YOU KNOWING WHERE SHE IS??" .....
The "receptionist nurse" has already turned him away twice, explaining that Government hospitals are not typically "famous" for plastic surgery (but he still sits patiently... 45 min so far).
My 2015 ny reso- 2 get plastic surgery in a third world gov hospital (in hopes of becoming the star of "Botched"/ episode 243)....Better yet, pshhh, I'll START MY OWN PRACTICE ! Give these batik sarong'd ladies, seated neatly in yellow plastic chairs what they TRUELY need & deserve .....MASSIVE TITS!
Monday/ still at Government hospital- At government hospital :
Tuesday- My Thai community cannot handle the sight of my arm sling.
The Ranong Burmese builder's wife, who I let bathe in my house (versus having her continuously apologize for "using our complex's hose, (as she bashfully adjusts her sarong, squatted in the middle of our communities "very" public parking lot) brought me a "PORNOGRAPHICALLY SIZED" BANANA and instant coffee today. She is my new best friend, refuses to ever sit on my couch, and HATES ALL WESTERN FOOD (saying all "white food" is "aRoy bahn bahn" / "tasty only for a farmer").
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