37 weeks

In my 37th. 

My eyes were shut in "total Zen" trying out a demo massage chair at "Bed Bath and Beyond", when I heard, "MAMITA, YOU LIKE IT HARD EH"? Two Hispanic guys (with "My Crazy Life" safety pinned hand tattoos, and EXTREME KNEE SOCKS) began harassing me with, "Oh, you rich eh?,.....with RINGS ON YOUR TOES, AND YOUR LOUIS VUITTON".... (Blah, blah ,blah, the rest of the event was pretty boring).... But, the absolute funniest bit of this story: PLEASE ENVISION the "stereotypical pregnancy struggle" of me trying to quickly get out of my reclined massage chair (made two attempts, after one of them held my shoulders back) in order to call the police/ appear confidently "in charge of the situation". 

NEWSFLASH: You know you are hard-up to re-live your "Glory days in Juvenile Hall" when you're "gang-banging" down the "Egyptian Cotton Aisle at B.B.B".

One for the books.

Rage

I just sternly announced to Joe that ,"I will no longer mop a floor for the duration of this pregnancy", and I nearly had a "hormonal- break down" on a subway employee who refused to serve me extra jalapeños. Pregnancy is a breeze!

Pregnancy cravings

My craving for soup - nom- my (young bamboo salad), hit "THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT" tonight when I tyrannically  announced to Joe that "leaving our house and feeding this baby" needed to happen ASAP!!!! I jingled car keys above Joe's non-responsive body, as he delicately skimmed through a friend's emailed photos of Belize. "Baby, just one second and we will go, let's not rush...look at THIS pic, the beach is so clear right?.... and oh... Ya....This one too"! 

Crying like a starved refuge, I swept crocodile tears away and wailed,"I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I NEED A BAMBOO SALAD!!!!! I can't always stall my hunger to see your friend's vacation pictures JOE!!! ...NOW, I NEED TO GO NOW!"

Gardening with my mother,...and Jose....

Re- potting plants with my mother: In preparation for Joe's sister's upcoming visit, my mother announced, "I'm off to the nursery! I'm not having Alex stroll up my driveway, see my valley of potted death, and have her think I suffer from mental illness!" 

Sitting outside today, we prettied the pots with periwinkles, as I watched my mother's friend stop by for a chat. In our neighborhood, landscaping done by "actual homeowners" seems to be a dying trend. That being said, Mando (our neighbor's gardener) and my momma "talked shop" about honeysuckle's tendency to grow with wild abandonment and various fig tree fertilizers. At one point, my mom yanked out a bundle of dead flowers, which held onto a single thriving vinca entangled in its stems. Throwing the gaggle of dead flowers in the trash, my mother looked at the vinca and with pity said, "Mando, this little girl clearly got mixed in with the WRONG CROWD"!

Diabetes testing

Nothing spells a "great time" like fasting while pregs w/ a severe migraine! DIABETES TESTING IS TERRIBLE!!! My nurse kept having to re-stick my anaemic/ stubborn veins, and muttered, "JESUS F-CKING CHRIST" each time she missed. The same nurse also referred to a patient's nearby (whiny) 8 year old as, "an annoying little idiot". Overall, it was a very "positive" environment!

Maternity bras

I purchased a bra from the maternity section, assuming that it was "built for comfort" in pregnancy. 

Only later in the evening did I discover the "clips", and was quite taken aback at uncovering the "jock strap" exposure of my right breast.

Cage your rage

Today I stood in a checkout line behind  this chick who had an intricately braided up-due. Her locks had obviously been professionally plaited (envision: prom-du), and It looked stunning. Since I like paying sincere compliments,  I said, "your hairstyle looks really pretty"! 

Without turning/ making any eye contact, she muttered an acknowledging ,"thanks".  Rapunzel then took countless selfies, and I've never in my life been so infuriated by the back of a human skull. 

"Turning the other cheek": 

....and yesterday, in bumper- traffic, I thought i'de "pay it forward" by letting a lady pull out of a driveway into my busy line. So, ..... I waited to let her pull out, threw her an encouraging wave, and a "quick & friendly honk". She rewarded my gesture with a glare, and threw her hands up in annoyance at my honk. UM, HOMIE DON'T PLAY THAT!!! I quickly pulled forward/ blocking her with my passive aggressiveness. She screamed out her window, and I hollered back , "LEARN SOME FREAKING MANNERS"!!!!

Drug interventions

My girlfriend agreed to help me peel potatoes for a Colombian dish by saying , "I'm really into Narco right now!!!! I'll be all Pablo Escobar and throw flour around your kitchen". I (being unfamiliar with the Netflick series "Narco") mistook her explanation for boasting. I thought she had told me that ,"SHE WAS REALLY INTO NORCOs (the pain killer)", and I assumed her referencing Pablo, was to "add" the "pinch of flair" that all new drug addicts must possess. 

By the time she arrived at my house, I had hid all my jewelry and warned my mother to, "BE WARY OF HER PUPIL SIZE"! After scrutinizing her every move, I "casually" questioned her  "dating life" before segueing into  hard hitting questions regarding her SERIOUS DRUG ADDICTION!!!! 

......In other news, "NARCO" is a great show, and our Ahi Acco turned out taaaaaaaasty!

Pranks

Each year, I prank Joe on one of our holiday gifts. He has been raised right, and is too polite to all women to NOT act grateful for the most ridiculous (and fake) "birthday surprises" that I throw at him. (Example: In the past, I gifted him a FEDORA. He thought I was serious, and his reaction was just too priceless/ kind). 

For our little 3 year anv this year, I AM surprising him with hockey tickets to see his favorite Team ("The Wild" is coming to the Honda center). But,.... I WILL BE either printing out "fake tickets" to see "LION KING: the musical", or telling him that I "PAID ALOT OF MONEY" for personally engraved/ hand-stitched  work boots (As if "Red Wings" would ever engrave work boots). 

Labor pains

34 weeks preg!......Today after hiking a mile uphill in Sequoia Nat Park, I stopped at a bench to rest & mouth breathe. It was a lovely view, and I felt blessed resting my hand on my belly (as I am a junkie for baby- kicks). Suddenly a  young couple (with matching lacquered  walking sticks) rushed over, and frantically demanded to know if "I was alright". 

They thought I had gone into labor, as they evaluated my actions (ie: HEAVING with hands clutching a rotund bump) to mean that I was in desperate need of a "MIGHTY REDWOOD BIRTHING TEAM".

Maternity wear

In my 35th week: I was pulling maternity jeans over the "lovely lady hump" when I overheard joe choke with violent laughter! 

"WHY ARE YOU HIKING YOUR PANTS SO HIGH, NERD"? 

(he had never seen "maternity wear", and apparently thought I was Steve Urkle's doppelgänger).

Joe's grey skies

Lately Joe has woken up with tired red eyes every morning. I finally asked what was going on/ as we both tend to "pass out"  by 9pm each night. 

Looking utterly defeated, he muttered, "You have adopted a deviated septum and major sleep- separation anxiety in pregnancy. You are a suffocating Teddy bear, who snores loudly for hours in my face... and I feel bad shoving you over, now that your preg"...

My thoughts on the invention: the "Pizza Pouch"

It is paramount to my self esteem to be featured in "elegant" pregnancy photos, wearing a PIZZA POUCH. 

Envision if you will, swollen toes dipped in the mighty Pacific, as my white linen dress is hoisted away from crashing waves. Resisting the strong coastal- breeze, a slice of "Papa John's supreme" swings boldly from my neck.  

Earth-mothers

I would rather smell a doctor's finger than hear one more lecture from an "earth mother". I don't disagree with the "granola approach"/ I like reading new theories/ research, and articles are GREat!..... All I will say about severe "Earth mothers" is this:  unless I ask you specifically about the "50 shades of your placenta", please refrain from insinuating that I'll have postpartum if I don't use a "placenta encapsulating service". This ACTUALLY HAPPENED LAST WEEK AT THE GROCERY STORE, and after our playful "placenta chat", the chick/ stranger lectured me on the benefits of natural delivery. I want to ask people like this for their addresses so I can send out Christmas Cards featuring my soon to be anesthesiologist (in my fantasy he is dressed as Santa) administering an epidural into my spine.