mushroom trip[

I  met a thai man last year who regaled me with stories of a mushroom trip wherein he saw each grain of sand morph into a red chili..... The man went on the explain that he himself thought he had attained the super power of being able to eat all of the earth's sand/ chills ... He drew negative attention to himself when he took off all his clothes and began screaming , " I LOVE THE CHILI !!!!" in front of tourists sunbathing.   He was arrested with charges of public indecensy  (in his defense, he wasn't being a pervert on a mission to satisfy his bored palate....He was merely attempting to collect and carry as much sand as possible inside his wardrobe because no one would give him any more plastic bags....) .....

india...

Sunday - I woke up last night being aggressively snoodled by passengers. Naive to the "feng shui" of Nepal night riding, I assumed I lucked out with an aisle spot.  Awaking drowsy from a nap, I found people w/ out seats squatting on the floor and using the aisle passengers as Teddy bears.  I had a girl resting gently on my knee for 9 hours & slammed down my arm rest on a man who tried 2 take his "doozing on my shoulder" to the next level.

monday- I Just finished touring Veranasi and am obsessed with an impossible to find soft drink named " appy fizzy". Because I've gotten all" tambourine man" about hunting it down, I've resorted to new tactics. Each hour that me and My cousin are propositioned for "black heroin , cocaine, hashish or ( my personal fav) YOUNG BoY COMPANION", I say, " Young boy companions are sooo retro, get me some appy fiz my friend and you'll get your baksheesh.. you'll get it in droves!"

tuesday-  I would like to note that the audio guides in Ragasthan are about the best thing I can think of to listen to while experimenting w hallucinogens ( not that we had any). Example : insert highly dramatic Indian speaking in a broken Spanglish voice,"  I am the river moat, cool and refreshing for my king"

Wednesday- I rode a camel yesterday. It was near a bus park, & the streets were packed with head bobbling Indian men. The ride was cool, except the trainer must have been collecting baksheesh from the local men because whenever we passed them he'd laugh riotously, clap & make the camel sprint. We had a trail of twenty guys following us w/ their camera phones as we bounced on the poor animal for about a mile ...bet i went viral. 

tibetan refugee camp

Sitting a cafe in Pokhara, an old Tibetan woman popped her head in from the outside through a bunch of thick  trees which protected the perimeter of the restaurant. She saw the Dalai Lama book I was reading & said, " my five friends had an American sponsor at the refuge camp who asked, " Do u want a tv for your families? Or a trip to Darmasala to see the Dalai Lama? I pick the Dalai Lama. when we go, he see me in him, kiss his feet, I very happy more than a tv!"  When we were invited to her home at the Tibetan refugee camp, she cooked us a hearty breakfast.  I coughed down 2 many cups of yak butter tea and heard her curse about the Chinese government's ocupancy in Tibet, " the fucking Chinese bul-shit BASTARDS and there smoking faces!!!!". This was said after the 58 year old lady demanded I rub her tired back, and help her write love letters to her Swiss boyfriend. 

"Lobsang, what would you like me to say?"

" You say you my new daughter Eliza, but why you not know what to flirt? Tell him what you think, but write one page.  And tell him Lobsang give good Tibetan special massage too!" 

When we finally took the bus back into town with her, I placed this 9 carat gold band that an old boyfriend had given me years before. She looked me in the eyes and smiled as she placed her newly bedazzled hand in mine and said, 

" Lobsang will keep this ring for a little while, and then maybe I sell it soon when I can have tv.  You can ask family in America to send me Nike shoes?" 

more on the little monsters

This week, The chin strap on my motorcycle helmet is not only giving me tmg, but is also bringing back vivid childhood memories of being forced to wear headgear at slumber parties. Felt both colonial and lazy last night when I boiled water for a shower because I can't be bothered to buy a 75$ water heater.... Boiling water has apparently become my penance for sloth- like behavior.  

  One month ago I was technically an illegal alien living in Thailand... I have decided that it is best I begin my career harvesting rice in the paddy fields (or whatever Is the equivalent to the fruit picking illegals in the u. S). While driving on my bike to immigration, i decided to love the dogs sitting on the side of the Thailand  highways.  They squat, facing traffic in the middle of the road as if they have set their alarm clocks to wake up early in order play chicken with the oncoming vehicles.   I'm headed toward one mut this a.m going 80k's, honking my horn and he's looking @ me like, "YOU MOVE!!!!!!!!!"

 the school had , " international day" . It was a grand success despite the fact the the loud speakers rang out nelly, Rihanna, and my personal 

favorite, madonnas," Like a virgin".  On tuesday, Yada, the 7 year old terror was instructed to write her Australian pen pal today. When stumped for conversation topics, I encouraged the class to ask their new friends about pets, and tell them about their own furry creatures. Here is my students entire letter -"Dear Joe, I have one dog. It is dead. I have one cat, it is dead by car!, write me back, Yada”.  This is not as charming as the love letter i recently retrieved out of the classrooms trash can, "Once there was a beautiful woman named Teacher Elizabeth. She had long hair and a blonde dress. One day a man named Peter saw her and he wanted to give her chicken and take her to holiday for swim and enjoy. Sometime Peter like the kiss from Teacher Elizabeth on her belly"  The next day I lectured the class on the term and definition for the word “inappropriate” after explaining that if they would like to write me letters they should put them on my desk. This developed into my students newest OBSESSION.   Leaving random notes at my desk or in my purse, I counted in an unsettling 32 notes, one of which had a picture of a horse that read, "GRACE LIKE HORSE!~ GRACE LIKE COOOKIE!!! TEACHER, YOU LIKE COOKIE HORSE? "

Sure the English has room to grow, but at least they are not as spoiled as the swim school children that I taught in Orange County during my senior year in college.  Once, A  man brought in his 5 year old twins in for lessons that costed a fortune and directed me using finger quotes to show them how they "would be swimming" in the future, if they ever “chose that path”.  Wearing the assigned uniform of a hot pink bathing suit and matching princess tiara, I asked, “" wait sir, so u want to pay me 45$ an hour to teach your kids to swim, and u don't want them to get into the water???"

" precisely right"!  he pronounced.  I proceeded to float on my back, blow bubbles,  push off of the wall and flutter kick like an asshole, as his ruined kids splashed water on me with their poolside dangling toes. 

teacher Lu LU

Would like to announce my personal mortification at involuntarily  dancing around my classroom to the melodic hit “ Santa claus is coming to town” (envision ballerina twirling lunacy).  My pupils  have recently been convinced that I am capable of transforming into a character name LULU, a world famous dancer who enjoys feasting on misbehaving children's sneakers. After hours of  tirelessly persuading the class that my metamorphosis process begins each time I paint my lips to the shade of hooker red, the children now assume that each time I place a scratch of makeup on, my conversion has taken place. Lu Lu has found an ally in Sophie, one if my 2nd grade-students. I have asked Sophie to assist me in the days events because obviously Lu Lu has taken over my body and I cannot control her actions any longer.   Note that I have also added a Russian accent to my character and have started to pick up the boys shoes and say, "hmmmm, these smell like z heaven, isn't it?". Sophie’s ego is getting a bit larger than life within her new job title,     

" Sophie , apologize right now to Chandra, how dare you say Chandra is ugly, apologize!!!"- I snapped 

 " Teacher, I can not say sorry. Look at Chandra, her face is very bad and my mommy tells me not to  lie.. So I no lie teacher. Chandra face is Soooo bad, like a monster movie, not beautiful like mine or Lu Lu's".  

This new game has done wonders for my self esteem.  I now have an excuse to continuously dress and smell like an unclean homeless person.  Obviously, my place of employment will finally understand that I’m not lazy in my attire, but rather helping to prevent the children from horsing around by NOT painting my face. I will soon explain to my boss that, “ I can;t wear make up sir,if they think I’m teacher LULU,  it will distract them”.  

My favorite example of my lackadaisical hygiene habits came about three months ago.  I despise sunrise, and on most days wake up exactly seven minutes before walking out of my front door.  This allows me enough time chug down the contents of an instant coffee mix from a cold glass of tap water, before brushing my teeth and jumping on my motorbike.  On this particular morning, I actually took the time to become less swampy and dolled myself up by running a brush through my hair.  As I walked by my fellow teachers, by boss complemented, “ LIZ, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL, WHEN DID YOU TAKE YOUR DREADLOCKS OUT?”    That being said, I was now stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Due to the infrequency of my giving a shit in regards to my disheveled mien, I had decided to quickly get rid of Teacher Lu Lu.  This turned out to be a bad idea, because as luck would have it, my pupils preferred this glamorous woman over me. 

Teaching allows adults to behave like sybil without judgment.  Although I rather enjoyed adopting a temporary split personality disorder, I wondered if the frequency of my new character would eventually enlist my occupancy at a looney bin.   Twitching with Jealousy as my students increased their incessant cries demanding to “ put on red lipstick teacher Elizabeth, we don't want you, GIVE US LU LU instead”!, was hurting my feelings.   I pictured mind eventually reaching capacity and my parents coming to rescue me from some third world government hospital.  Wheeling me out while I cursed, “I only eat pheasants while sunbathing in the south of France” at men in long white coats, would surely not land me with a large inheritance or an invite to any family picnics.  Lu LU was exhausting and fucking up my ego, this game needed to end. I recently tried to change up the Lu Lu routine and ended up embarrassing  myself attempting to teach them g.Stefani's " this stuff is bananas..b a n a n a s...." Altering her version, i busted this rap about not being lazy kids (envision  dance moves, jazz hands and foot stomping that was so passionate it would have made a rain dancer envious) only to have the kids look @ me w/ pity & concern. Out of breathe and sweating I  asked, " So do you all want to learn this?"... collectively they said, "ugh.....no thank you teacher".

teaching in Phuket

oct-

  Teaching at a Bilingual school, I share my classroom with a Thai woman named, “Teacher Phun”.  I found it strange during my job interview, when my soon to be employer warned that my new translator was as , “ disagreeable as bile”.  Upon introduction, I noticed her gait and posture was similar to a JLo impersonating orangutan.  During my first week of employment, I overheard her shrieking like a feral animal at my 7 year old female students for  "being as loud as the night whores of Patong Beach!" My initial plan of action was to stay out of her way by not revealing that I spoke Thai, but bursted out a, “ Are you freaking kidding me” after the woman accosted a boy on not completing his assignment with, " is the problem that you have a tiny penis"?  blew my cover.  Lately, I’ve decided that working together will cause less problems.  My tactics of brown noising have included calling her Beyonce while playfully slapping her booty, watching various home videos of her bulldog licking her husbands face and bribing her with Pepsi Cola.  All my efforts eventually were rewarded when she bought me a dress and straight-ironed my hair when she was meant to be teaching class one day.  When little Popui asked, " So what should we do now?", Teacher Phun delicately smoothed out my stubborn cowlick and screamed, " eat a pencil Popui”!

  Now that I am  her new best friend, she told me about her old  western boyfriend  .  They were in a physical relationship because as many of us know all too well, knowing each others language is not a prerequisite for rolling like thunder under the covers .   She said that she eventually bored of their lack of communication and desired to award his skills with positive reinforcement.   In Thai the word, "mun" means "that feels good"  But the direct English translation of " mun" also means potato.. So as they are bumping uglies,  she moans,,,"potato.....mmm....potato, POTATO" !!!!! 

my idea of a love letter

Sitting upon the alter that is our passion, i pour generous portions of oil on your weary feet. You devour a sandwich as I rub you POWERFULLY . Fulfilled with my enthusiasm, you present me with a glorious painting of a sea nymph.   We take turns letting your animal furiously kiss our smiling faces. You put on a Russian hat and vibrantly colored lingerie and my desperate thirst to see you in costume is quenched. I tilt my chin eagerly towards you whispering, " this is getting emotional". I put down my 7 layer burrito and stroke your wonderful hair gently.  "You take stunning photos", I say to you in hushed tones as you recline atop a baby grand piano. Sipping your wine, we relish in undisturbed eye contact before you stare bewildered at my sturdy legs.  I wait beautifully reclined on an oval shaped bed. You present me with a ham and cheese sandwich and instruct me powerfully to feast upon it slowly, sensually.... Beholding the sea, you produce your sensual Walkman. Your boise speakers project Chris Issac's " wicked game" and I'm reminded of sunscreen as my being pulsates with rhythm. Contained no more, I am hypnotized. ....My love is like a pearl, enveloped in a slippery fortress. Emerged, I explore your body. A curious lion among a jungle of hyenas, I am vulnerable with in this tranquility.  The soft ripple of the waves invokes our bodies to dance slowly on the shore. The moonlight shines down and we are laughing. Our heads recline in ecstasy as I tantalize you by pouring spaghetti across your midsection. I am satisfied. .Slowly we enter a meadow .. You lay my porcelain body upon the soil. We are one with the earth as your tongue inserts my mouth, I whisper " surrender.  We sit atop a rooftop garden, the waves thrashing violently bellow. I recite poetry as you stand bare, your  body reflecting against the present sunset.  We are connected. I weep teArs of gratitude.....I wisp the hair behind your earplugs as you hiccup and quake for more. We are loving as pigeons sour above us. You squeeze my neck full of tension, as I smile in subordination. My pale arm grasps your existence as I shake with excitement. 

tooting

my neighbors just legit ran into my shop with a Thai/english dictionary... They had worked themselves into a frenzy of rage over the fact that their sacred book lacked the translation of the word meaning " fart" from thai to english. ,  "TELL US THE WORD !!!!", they demanded in thai before my three irish customers.  So I sat and said, " FART..PASS GAS...FART". After my customers looked at me as if I had just directed traffic in a chicken suit, my thai neighbors chanted their new vocabulary triumphantly as they walked back into their shop explaining that, " In thailand, everyone talks about their gas, There is no reason to be bashful liz"...(side note- read the child's book, " everybody poops" in order to be less self conscience) 

asia... ah the days

monday- I slept 21 hours of the 21 hour flight....( lay over location consisted of me passing out on the floor near the check in desk after explaining my state of " pill hammered" to the steward and begging her to wake me up upon leaving) I accidentally took three instead
of two sleeping pills..... Arrived in bkk last night at 10 pm, and passed out for another 10 hours....

4 hours later - nothing quite spells " homecoming", like the gift of your old flying squirrel's tail. My neighbors threw me a BBQ party and presented me with this festive new keychain, explaining that, " our cat loved eating Lucy but we found the tail for you to keep a nice memory"..


tuesday-.....came to the realization last night that bed frames are paramount to my safety and that the need to adopt a feline to patrol my house is crucial to my living situation. Woke up at 4 am scared to death that invaders had broke in, only to find a rat the size of a suitcase loudly rummaging through my pots and pans. The rest of my R.E.M cycle was disrupted by the thought of accidently spooning a rodent on my maitress which lays on the floor.....THIS HOWEVER IS NOT AS BAD as what happened to my friend Zowee, who awoke to a rat eating out her ear plugs last year, while she rested at her beach bungalow......no more floor sleeping......

Dress me in a suit and give me candy to distribute

In asia have you seen those (always smiling) christian missionaries who creep into hill tribes/ remote villages with bags of candy and toys which are distributed to children based on the child's clueless mimicry of the statement, " I LOVE JESUS AND I ACCEPT HIM AS MY LORD AND SAVIOR!!!"??? Well, I was just asked by my new cheerful muslim boss (spur of the moment and without prior notification) to teach a thirty min lesson on the ENTIRE HISTORY of Jesus Christ.....To the best of my ability I said this in thai, "A woman named Mary was eating good food at her sister Elizabeth's house and was visited by a beautiful Angel who made Mary pregnant with God's child. She had a baby in a barn and had many people visited her and brought her special presents. Jesus was her son, and he did many special things for many people. Many people did not like Jesus, but he was a great man. Then he died on a cross for our sins after he had a big dinner with all his friends. After he died, he came back from his death and moved a heavy rock so he could talk with his girlfriend Mary.. The angles were happy and so were the people".....(note to self: look up translation for savior, resurrection, exodus, the flood, the second coming, crucifixion, stigmata and whichever religious lesson it was that involved the sky raining frogs), ...........STRESSSSSSSSSSSSS