teacher Lu LU

Would like to announce my personal mortification at involuntarily  dancing around my classroom to the melodic hit “ Santa claus is coming to town” (envision ballerina twirling lunacy).  My pupils  have recently been convinced that I am capable of transforming into a character name LULU, a world famous dancer who enjoys feasting on misbehaving children's sneakers. After hours of  tirelessly persuading the class that my metamorphosis process begins each time I paint my lips to the shade of hooker red, the children now assume that each time I place a scratch of makeup on, my conversion has taken place. Lu Lu has found an ally in Sophie, one if my 2nd grade-students. I have asked Sophie to assist me in the days events because obviously Lu Lu has taken over my body and I cannot control her actions any longer.   Note that I have also added a Russian accent to my character and have started to pick up the boys shoes and say, "hmmmm, these smell like z heaven, isn't it?". Sophie’s ego is getting a bit larger than life within her new job title,     

" Sophie , apologize right now to Chandra, how dare you say Chandra is ugly, apologize!!!"- I snapped 

 " Teacher, I can not say sorry. Look at Chandra, her face is very bad and my mommy tells me not to  lie.. So I no lie teacher. Chandra face is Soooo bad, like a monster movie, not beautiful like mine or Lu Lu's".  

This new game has done wonders for my self esteem.  I now have an excuse to continuously dress and smell like an unclean homeless person.  Obviously, my place of employment will finally understand that I’m not lazy in my attire, but rather helping to prevent the children from horsing around by NOT painting my face. I will soon explain to my boss that, “ I can;t wear make up sir,if they think I’m teacher LULU,  it will distract them”.  

My favorite example of my lackadaisical hygiene habits came about three months ago.  I despise sunrise, and on most days wake up exactly seven minutes before walking out of my front door.  This allows me enough time chug down the contents of an instant coffee mix from a cold glass of tap water, before brushing my teeth and jumping on my motorbike.  On this particular morning, I actually took the time to become less swampy and dolled myself up by running a brush through my hair.  As I walked by my fellow teachers, by boss complemented, “ LIZ, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL, WHEN DID YOU TAKE YOUR DREADLOCKS OUT?”    That being said, I was now stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Due to the infrequency of my giving a shit in regards to my disheveled mien, I had decided to quickly get rid of Teacher Lu Lu.  This turned out to be a bad idea, because as luck would have it, my pupils preferred this glamorous woman over me. 

Teaching allows adults to behave like sybil without judgment.  Although I rather enjoyed adopting a temporary split personality disorder, I wondered if the frequency of my new character would eventually enlist my occupancy at a looney bin.   Twitching with Jealousy as my students increased their incessant cries demanding to “ put on red lipstick teacher Elizabeth, we don't want you, GIVE US LU LU instead”!, was hurting my feelings.   I pictured mind eventually reaching capacity and my parents coming to rescue me from some third world government hospital.  Wheeling me out while I cursed, “I only eat pheasants while sunbathing in the south of France” at men in long white coats, would surely not land me with a large inheritance or an invite to any family picnics.  Lu LU was exhausting and fucking up my ego, this game needed to end. I recently tried to change up the Lu Lu routine and ended up embarrassing  myself attempting to teach them g.Stefani's " this stuff is bananas..b a n a n a s...." Altering her version, i busted this rap about not being lazy kids (envision  dance moves, jazz hands and foot stomping that was so passionate it would have made a rain dancer envious) only to have the kids look @ me w/ pity & concern. Out of breathe and sweating I  asked, " So do you all want to learn this?"... collectively they said, "ugh.....no thank you teacher".