37 weeks

In my 37th. 

My eyes were shut in "total Zen" trying out a demo massage chair at "Bed Bath and Beyond", when I heard, "MAMITA, YOU LIKE IT HARD EH"? Two Hispanic guys (with "My Crazy Life" safety pinned hand tattoos, and EXTREME KNEE SOCKS) began harassing me with, "Oh, you rich eh?,.....with RINGS ON YOUR TOES, AND YOUR LOUIS VUITTON".... (Blah, blah ,blah, the rest of the event was pretty boring).... But, the absolute funniest bit of this story: PLEASE ENVISION the "stereotypical pregnancy struggle" of me trying to quickly get out of my reclined massage chair (made two attempts, after one of them held my shoulders back) in order to call the police/ appear confidently "in charge of the situation". 

NEWSFLASH: You know you are hard-up to re-live your "Glory days in Juvenile Hall" when you're "gang-banging" down the "Egyptian Cotton Aisle at B.B.B".

One for the books.

Rage

I just sternly announced to Joe that ,"I will no longer mop a floor for the duration of this pregnancy", and I nearly had a "hormonal- break down" on a subway employee who refused to serve me extra jalapeños. Pregnancy is a breeze!

Pregnancy cravings

My craving for soup - nom- my (young bamboo salad), hit "THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT" tonight when I tyrannically  announced to Joe that "leaving our house and feeding this baby" needed to happen ASAP!!!! I jingled car keys above Joe's non-responsive body, as he delicately skimmed through a friend's emailed photos of Belize. "Baby, just one second and we will go, let's not rush...look at THIS pic, the beach is so clear right?.... and oh... Ya....This one too"! 

Crying like a starved refuge, I swept crocodile tears away and wailed,"I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I NEED A BAMBOO SALAD!!!!! I can't always stall my hunger to see your friend's vacation pictures JOE!!! ...NOW, I NEED TO GO NOW!"

Gardening with my mother,...and Jose....

Re- potting plants with my mother: In preparation for Joe's sister's upcoming visit, my mother announced, "I'm off to the nursery! I'm not having Alex stroll up my driveway, see my valley of potted death, and have her think I suffer from mental illness!" 

Sitting outside today, we prettied the pots with periwinkles, as I watched my mother's friend stop by for a chat. In our neighborhood, landscaping done by "actual homeowners" seems to be a dying trend. That being said, Mando (our neighbor's gardener) and my momma "talked shop" about honeysuckle's tendency to grow with wild abandonment and various fig tree fertilizers. At one point, my mom yanked out a bundle of dead flowers, which held onto a single thriving vinca entangled in its stems. Throwing the gaggle of dead flowers in the trash, my mother looked at the vinca and with pity said, "Mando, this little girl clearly got mixed in with the WRONG CROWD"!

Diabetes testing

Nothing spells a "great time" like fasting while pregs w/ a severe migraine! DIABETES TESTING IS TERRIBLE!!! My nurse kept having to re-stick my anaemic/ stubborn veins, and muttered, "JESUS F-CKING CHRIST" each time she missed. The same nurse also referred to a patient's nearby (whiny) 8 year old as, "an annoying little idiot". Overall, it was a very "positive" environment!

Maternity bras

I purchased a bra from the maternity section, assuming that it was "built for comfort" in pregnancy. 

Only later in the evening did I discover the "clips", and was quite taken aback at uncovering the "jock strap" exposure of my right breast.

Cage your rage

Today I stood in a checkout line behind  this chick who had an intricately braided up-due. Her locks had obviously been professionally plaited (envision: prom-du), and It looked stunning. Since I like paying sincere compliments,  I said, "your hairstyle looks really pretty"! 

Without turning/ making any eye contact, she muttered an acknowledging ,"thanks".  Rapunzel then took countless selfies, and I've never in my life been so infuriated by the back of a human skull. 

"Turning the other cheek": 

....and yesterday, in bumper- traffic, I thought i'de "pay it forward" by letting a lady pull out of a driveway into my busy line. So, ..... I waited to let her pull out, threw her an encouraging wave, and a "quick & friendly honk". She rewarded my gesture with a glare, and threw her hands up in annoyance at my honk. UM, HOMIE DON'T PLAY THAT!!! I quickly pulled forward/ blocking her with my passive aggressiveness. She screamed out her window, and I hollered back , "LEARN SOME FREAKING MANNERS"!!!!

Drug interventions

My girlfriend agreed to help me peel potatoes for a Colombian dish by saying , "I'm really into Narco right now!!!! I'll be all Pablo Escobar and throw flour around your kitchen". I (being unfamiliar with the Netflick series "Narco") mistook her explanation for boasting. I thought she had told me that ,"SHE WAS REALLY INTO NORCOs (the pain killer)", and I assumed her referencing Pablo, was to "add" the "pinch of flair" that all new drug addicts must possess. 

By the time she arrived at my house, I had hid all my jewelry and warned my mother to, "BE WARY OF HER PUPIL SIZE"! After scrutinizing her every move, I "casually" questioned her  "dating life" before segueing into  hard hitting questions regarding her SERIOUS DRUG ADDICTION!!!! 

......In other news, "NARCO" is a great show, and our Ahi Acco turned out taaaaaaaasty!

Pranks

Each year, I prank Joe on one of our holiday gifts. He has been raised right, and is too polite to all women to NOT act grateful for the most ridiculous (and fake) "birthday surprises" that I throw at him. (Example: In the past, I gifted him a FEDORA. He thought I was serious, and his reaction was just too priceless/ kind). 

For our little 3 year anv this year, I AM surprising him with hockey tickets to see his favorite Team ("The Wild" is coming to the Honda center). But,.... I WILL BE either printing out "fake tickets" to see "LION KING: the musical", or telling him that I "PAID ALOT OF MONEY" for personally engraved/ hand-stitched  work boots (As if "Red Wings" would ever engrave work boots). 

Labor pains

34 weeks preg!......Today after hiking a mile uphill in Sequoia Nat Park, I stopped at a bench to rest & mouth breathe. It was a lovely view, and I felt blessed resting my hand on my belly (as I am a junkie for baby- kicks). Suddenly a  young couple (with matching lacquered  walking sticks) rushed over, and frantically demanded to know if "I was alright". 

They thought I had gone into labor, as they evaluated my actions (ie: HEAVING with hands clutching a rotund bump) to mean that I was in desperate need of a "MIGHTY REDWOOD BIRTHING TEAM".

Maternity wear

In my 35th week: I was pulling maternity jeans over the "lovely lady hump" when I overheard joe choke with violent laughter! 

"WHY ARE YOU HIKING YOUR PANTS SO HIGH, NERD"? 

(he had never seen "maternity wear", and apparently thought I was Steve Urkle's doppelgänger).

Joe's grey skies

Lately Joe has woken up with tired red eyes every morning. I finally asked what was going on/ as we both tend to "pass out"  by 9pm each night. 

Looking utterly defeated, he muttered, "You have adopted a deviated septum and major sleep- separation anxiety in pregnancy. You are a suffocating Teddy bear, who snores loudly for hours in my face... and I feel bad shoving you over, now that your preg"...

My thoughts on the invention: the "Pizza Pouch"

It is paramount to my self esteem to be featured in "elegant" pregnancy photos, wearing a PIZZA POUCH. 

Envision if you will, swollen toes dipped in the mighty Pacific, as my white linen dress is hoisted away from crashing waves. Resisting the strong coastal- breeze, a slice of "Papa John's supreme" swings boldly from my neck.  

Earth-mothers

I would rather smell a doctor's finger than hear one more lecture from an "earth mother". I don't disagree with the "granola approach"/ I like reading new theories/ research, and articles are GREat!..... All I will say about severe "Earth mothers" is this:  unless I ask you specifically about the "50 shades of your placenta", please refrain from insinuating that I'll have postpartum if I don't use a "placenta encapsulating service". This ACTUALLY HAPPENED LAST WEEK AT THE GROCERY STORE, and after our playful "placenta chat", the chick/ stranger lectured me on the benefits of natural delivery. I want to ask people like this for their addresses so I can send out Christmas Cards featuring my soon to be anesthesiologist (in my fantasy he is dressed as Santa) administering an epidural into my spine. 

Thai beauty salon

Thai beauty salon...All of the beauticians/ customers were "WIGGING OUT" about a feline being on its "death bed" since October of 2012. NEWSFLASH: This cat (and her embarrassing ALL PINK ensemble) was not "under the weather", but I'm 100% sure that she had accumulated multiple bed sores from being forcefully splayed atop the lap of one of Pi Noi's deranged customers. The healthy cat (who eerily resembled Jayne Mansfield), was enthusiastically attempting to catch bugs the entire time! I had my ombré updated, while the cat's owner shrieked, "Jayne's protective woolen pink scarf, it is loose"!!!!!

Lucia and mac & cheese in Northeastern India

just cooked 2 boxes of Velvetta (thanks joes mom) on a gas stove, for a semi small village of "shells & cheese virgins". Our "dinner party" was initially meant for 4, (according to the boxes appropriate serving size) but i guess word got out, and at 7p.m., I found that I was cooking for 10 curious onlookers. Dishing out tiny spoonful servings, the experience felt like, "3rd world wine tasting". Lucia, is a 75 yr old woman who lent me her kitchen, exclaimed that she much preferred Velvetta cheese to her former convent's white cheese; which she grew accustomed to as an orphan growing up. Lucia's lovely mouth holds two bettle-nut stained teeth, which she bashfully tries to hide from Joe and I. MY FAVORITE memory OF THE NIGHT WAS WATCHING the moments when the unadulterated joy which was obviously drawn from Lucia's family, defeated this "useless shyness", and her genuine smile was briefly revealed. Her eldest daughter hung on Lucia's every word in a touching way that made me want to weep, as she discussed how kind the Canadian and Australian nuns treated her. Such a great night.....loving it .....(sorry for the cheeeeeeeeeeeeesy post).

Selling silver in Nepal

I have two more silversmithing orders!!! HOOORAY!!!! This does mean however, that today I will endure drinking 90 gallons of teas and barter my sweet ass off, all to receive THE EXACT SAME PRICE, for THE EXACT SAME STONES, from THE EXACT SAME JEWELLER, who has ALWAYS GIVEN ME the SAME DAMN DEAL, (for well over three years now)!!! 
.....Here is how he exchange always goes down, I sit down and am immediately handed a cup of "friendly" tea (keep in mind that it is currently Ramadan, so everyone in the gem market is a tad grumpy). I will ask for 4 stones, that WE BOTH KNOW HE WILL EVENTUALLY SELL TO ME FOR AN PREVIOUSLY AGREED UPON NUMBER. Ahmed will exhale a long sigh, and begin too look about, suddenly weary with both the Nepali government and his immediate surroundings (???) , "OOOO, dear sister, the tax on stones has increased just today!!!! The stones, they now cost 150 USD! WHAT CAN I DO!!!! IT is so bad, so horrible dear little sister! I think i am needing to move from this place with my family! It is so bad what they are doing to the people! I can not longer make a business! The price, i would never cheat you little sister, but what can I do??? " (at this point, it is totally normal and expected in the gem market, for the buyer to severely reprimand the jeweller). "Ahmed, YOU ARE LYING TO ME. I WILL NEVER PAY THAT PRICE. SAMA NEXT DOOR SAID HE WOULD SELL THEM TO ME FOR X, BUT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR QUALITY IS BETTER? YOU SAID THAT YOU WOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR PRICES? WERE YOU LYING TO ME? SAMA HAS ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE WILL NOT RAISE HIS PRICES? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND? (insert: i have grabbed my purse and have started to walk toward the door) DO YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR SISTER? I DONT THINK YOU DO? YESTERDAY I PAID X USD, THAT IS THE PRICE I WILL PAY, OR IM WALKING OUT OF HERE! YOU CHOOSE!" (at this point, Ahmed will bobble his head- calmly smile, and fill up your tea cup. At this point, you both will awkwardly sip your glass and smile demurely at one another (as if you are on a date) , and talk about something off subject, while he decides how long he he wants to "keep up this charade". The "long term goal" for Ahmed, is to get you to pay 5$ above your original price. To him, all this "song and dance" is worth it, in the long run. So, as I stubbornly hold my ground/ (look at pictures of HIS BABY POSED WITH AN UNLIT CIGARETTE), the painful formality will literally last for at least an hour, before the price is agreed upon and you both leave the exchange genuinely happy! The first time Joe witnessed me partake in this process, (at the Afghani market in Jaipur), his head was spinning with all the local Afghani men shouting and cursing at each other one min, then hugging and shaking hands with each other the next. Deff an initial culture shock, that I can say, (over time) I have proudly adapted to!

First 20 min in Turkey

Istanbul is the land of chivalrous men! Got off the plane yesterday, and it was as if the countrymen were absolutely insulted that I even attempted to lift my own rucksack. After having a friendly airport attendant carry my bag outside to a shuttle bus, I hopped in a cab with the address of my friends home. The Taxi didn't speak english (but i've been studying Turkish, and a proud to say that he was able to understand my,"do you speak Englsih?" BABY STEPS). The taxi got lost, and was literally so bewildered, that when he stopped to ask a local walking on the road for directions, the local jumped in our cab, and helped escort me to my friends place (it takes a village). Upon arrival, Tijen Denizmen reminded me that great things never change. Tijen was bus busy in the kitchen, cooking amazing salmon while wearing a jumper inside out..the pockets hung at her sides as she mixed the salad, IT WAS ALL "VERY TIJEN". (P.S.she later roamed the cobbled streets in the same jumper....always stunningly beautiful in her effortless confidence). We sat on the rooftop patio, listening to the call to prayer, eating our healthy little Salmon salads while looking out over the Bosphorus sea..what a wonderful greeting!

Uncle Feyte ...Turkey

The moment I walked through the door of Tijen's families summer home, her Uncle demanded to know if I was hungry. Muttered something regarding pregnancy & olive pits in English, he asked Tijen to translate, "Uncle Fethi says that you are too thin, and that if you ate only one olive pit, people would surely think you were pregnant. He wants you to eat more, now!!" A lovely spread of food (that my tastebuds couldn't comprehend) was devoured on their balcony, (which overlooked the impossibly blue sea) I was left bewitched and grateful.: After Tijen received a "thorough" lecture on the importance of work, love, and making proper life decisions- her proud Uncle poetically explained to me that "in life you can only trust the opinions of those who have nothing to gain from you (family), because all they want is your absolute happiness, and f-ck the rest, live your life"! (newsflash- the man is like a chapter from "tuesdays with Maury", & I am tremendously envious of Tijen's possession of love from such a charismatic and wise man, who is so desperately devoted to her. Watching him wait with bated breath on her every word pulled @ the "old heart strings", and left me teary eyed with feelings of homesickness.
As they chattered away in (ridiculously attractive vow- harmony) Turkish, the utter warmth of her family,the food, scenery, etc),was a bit too much to bare!! My mouth literally ached from grinning, and I was sure that at one point they must have thought I had just free- based lithium, when Uncle Fethi announced, "Liz is a happy, always smiling girl. She can call me Uncle, and come back! ". (she shoots, she scores!)

pop pop

My wonderful pop pop just passed away. 
He was always a generous man, and set the highest standards for all the women in our family on how a "chivalrous man should treat a lady"- My mother is my most cherished blessing in my life, and her character would not be what it is today, had she not been raised by my grandfather. 
Each time I saw Pop Pop / talked to him on the phone, he was inquiring on the "state of my automobile", and whether or not I needed new tires". On one occasion, (when he was in his mid 90's, he was so happy that I had recently purchased a convertible jeep wrangler, which was the "car from his youth". He immediately demanded that we go for a spin, and after my uncle and Aunt helped boost him into the car, and he drove about with his cowboy hat in his lap (so it didn't blow away). On that trip we took my car to the auto repair shop to immediately get BRAND NEW TIRES! I can remember how proud he was with his cowboy hat on, signing the check for my new set of wheels, and i thought, "this is an example of a southern gentleman"..... He will be remembered and missed.

relationships

Joe just said, " the UN just said, The UN- being the UNITED NATIONS LIZ"- really? WHo does he think he is dating? TERRIFYING!!!! I should have sat patiently listening to his rant about Syria, crossed my eyes, twirled my hair, & blurted out, "I HAVE A BELLY BUTTON"!

tricks of the trade

NEWSFLaSH: when my students are acting like uncontrollable lunatics, I like to warn them that there is a video camera hidden somewhere in the room recording them, and that "their parents ARE wATCHING THEM!!!!".....(works every time).....

pap smear

Do you ever feel like there is a massive culture shock when traveling back to the united states, and that you are just not meant for "small talk" anymore with first world citizens?!?! 
For Example- While receiving my annual pap smear (smear- vomit) this year, my male Gyno (who adores my labia) asked "why I decided to move away from sunny southern Thailand". In stirrups, while his fingers deeply searched for cysts, i casually replied, "umm, Meth started spreading around the south, my friend had her thumb cut off, a headless body washed up upon the shore near my house, I got rabies, dengue, and my apartment was broken into multiple times.....wait, i'm being way too dark and gloomy for this PAP, sorry! Awkward! I live in Istanbul now.. It is absolutely lovely there, so safe! Many cruises leave from there. Have you been? Ephesus is divine!".

Loving Athens

People are TOO kind in this city/ I distrust them, and I am convinced that I'm min away from being attacked!!! I just strolled past an elderly man whose hunchback and arthritic shaking hands were a clear indication that he must wake up on the "wrong side of the bed" regularly. The hunchback and I shared a narrow cobbled sidewalk, and I was obliviously in his way. The gentleman catching sight of my tourist camera, did not shake his unsightly finger in my face, or command me to "move my shit" (which is what I expected); but surprised me by quivering with utter delight!!! Jovially he cried out ," WELCOME to aTHENS!!!!". Who are these people? How much lithium are they putting into their tzatziki? Anyways, it was so welcoming and lovely.... Growing up in California, I've never in my life confronted visiting tourists with a "welcome to America" or "hope you are enjoying California's Disneyland!!!"... How lovely of an impression would it have made if I did this, and how well i would represent my country ??? I'm going to start. This man made my day!!!!

thoughts on humans

Mothers who post about "not allowing their children to have Easter baskets" because "chocolate isn't what JESUS is about" need to relax, and realize they sound like character developments for a HORROR story (ones wherein you preach in your basement and scream about "dirty pillows") ...... It's just candy. Take a Valium.

Girls who partake in any online quiz that "uncovers" which Disney princess is most similar to themselves, absolutely TERRIFY me!!!! .......

YOU know your. flying to OKLAHOMA WHEN- you are On a plane next to a lady who is devouring 2 delicious Quiznos sandwiches simultaneously, while talking to her husband about Rihanna ... She alternates her sandwich bites from tuna to roast beef at a rapid clip, and has yet to offer a bite to her hubby 

protective toe jam

Yesterday joe lathered himself heavily in sunscreen, but neglecting his feet and ankles. He is now walking around like hot coals are directly underfoot. Today we are sailing off on a boat trip to snorkel within an ancient sunken city, and Joe is looking MIGHTY sEXY on board, dressed in protective tennis shoes and snorkelling in high socks!!!!!

paying it forward

Paying it forward today- the world's most destitute dog takes up residence on our block!! He howls wildly at his own reflection (at 2am), protects the lazy street cats with the vigor of a Gurkha soldier and refuses to budge an inch each time he is splayed across our cobbled street (insert "leap frog"). Our neighbors all make his nasty ass food, so, today ... I've hopped on the band wagon.... Chicken delight for the mr. scabies!!!!

fender benders

Yesterday I popped in to see two of my "original Thai language teachers" (ie: hairdressers who formerly taught me to count in Thai & also "schooled me" on every hyper- feminine vocabulary word in existence (think "crass beauty shop gossip"). I was treated to a fringe, & lectured on the reasons I should "NeVer DYe my hAir DArK aGAin, bECAuSe iT wAS So uglY oN me before" (over the years I have come to adore the Thai way of "calling a spade a spade"). We rushed outside to devour roti during the rainstorm, because pi Noi found such enjoyment in watching the idiots at the traffic circle get into fender benders..."Look at this red truck, it will for sure crash....(roti munch, munch, munch)......ah, not this time, maybe next time you will see it Eliz"......a great day!

Banana Porn and Arm Slings

Monday- Sitting in the government hospital's (endlessly long) waiting room, watching a Russian harass the "receptionist nurse " for the location of his Thai wife. "SHE HAD HAD PLASTIC DEVELOP ON HER NOSE! DO YOU KNOWING WHERE SHE IS??" .....

The "receptionist nurse" has already turned him away twice, explaining that Government hospitals are not typically "famous" for plastic surgery (but he still sits patiently... 45 min so far).

My 2015 ny reso- 2 get plastic surgery in a third world gov hospital (in hopes of becoming the star of "Botched"/ episode 243)....Better yet, pshhh, I'll START MY OWN PRACTICE ! Give these batik sarong'd ladies, seated neatly in yellow plastic chairs what they TRUELY need & deserve .....MASSIVE TITS!

Monday/ still at Government hospital- At government hospital :

17 year old Dr. w/ severe acne prescribes me hydro c for a fractured collarbone. I take my script 2 the onsite pharmacy, and am given a bottle of cough medicine....(insert,"I can't even").

The pharmacist HATES ME for correcting the mistake, and asks me (while I am holding my arm in pain) if I "am sure that I don't have a cough?"....(insert: "I can't even")

Tuesday- My Thai community cannot handle the sight of my arm sling. 

The Ranong Burmese builder's wife, who I let bathe in my house (versus having her continuously apologize for "using our complex's hose, (as she bashfully adjusts her sarong, squatted in the middle of our communities "very" public parking lot) brought me a "PORNOGRAPHICALLY SIZED" BANANA and instant coffee today. She is my new best friend, refuses to ever sit on my couch, and HATES ALL WESTERN FOOD (saying all "white food" is "aRoy bahn bahn" / "tasty only for a farmer").