Holiday in Cambodia
When I first started teaching in Thailand, my " translator" who was promised to be present at all times, turned out to be a real disappointment. Her knowledge of the English language consisted of " bat, rat, cat" and she would only enter the classroom from the nearby hallway where the other Thai teachers sat playing connect four to beat the students with a wooden switch. She would stomp in, whack a noisy child from my class with the ever present tree branch that she carried with her at all times, or worse make the kids rap their knuckles bloody red against the chalkboard as penance for forgetting the correct spelling of words like " umbrella". On one occasion, I needed her assistance in breaking up a fight wherein the bully punched the runt of the class in the face. My Thai translator immediately ran in and in a foreign language commanded the children to get into a large circle. Once the kids were in position, she brought both boys into the center, instructing the bully to clasp his hands behind his back while the runt was told to hit him twice directly in the face as punishment. I took it then upon my self to learn the language in order to stop needing the assistance of the translator who I referred to as "Miss Joan Crawford".
Because whores are always the only ones who speak impeccable English in any third world country, I decided that everyday after work I would buy a coke from the neighboring brothel and ask how to translate English into Thai. After jotting sentences down phonetically, I would write " how are you ?" on the board , drag a kid up to the front and tell him to write the translation underneath my writing in Thai. So basically, after months of hearing kids chant basic sentences in both languages, the students now began greeting me each morning with assaulting questions like, "Teacher Elizabeth , do you like badminton, cake or elephants?" I also became close with the majority of hookers and lady boys in Krabi who now Refer to me as their " student".
My first semester at fraternity "Asian rim job" with the ladies of the night, I got hit by a car on my motorbike. This accident broke my wrist in three places, fractured my arm and left me in the most adorable hospital issued "hello kitty", arm sling you have ever beheld. I was bed ridden for weeks and being Amy Whinehouse high on pain meeds, I couldn't be bothered to get out of my bunk to change the channel from the daily thai soaps. Everyday i'de go to town with my dosage of tramedal, hoard pizza company down my trachea, staring mindlessly at the t.v. screen. I began repeating the Thai that I watched on T.V. I found that women slapping untrustworthy men, begging forgiveness from family members and near death experiences involving acute illnesses were useful in everyday conversation. So in Thai, I can't for example list the months of the year, but can shout out,"Don't you worry about that piece of shit boyfriend of yours, he is a cheater and what we need to do bitch, is burn his house to the freaking ground before I die tommorow of syphilis ", with perfect diction.
It should also be noted, that I am an extremely naive person who incidentally has phenomenal luck. I've been known to hitchhike in Greece, will share drinks with orphans, and once snuck back onto my high schools campus by hopping on a moving fed ex delivery mans truck because our schools security guard was chasing me and I wasn't about to get detention for an off campus ciggerete. I trust anyone with a smile. My parents always encourage this as a child. A "Dad, no one at the jungle gym wants to play with me." was promptly solved by,"well sweetheart, go ask people until someone eventually says yes". As it stands, to this day I get anxious if I'm sitting next to someone in any forum if we don't start a conversation. If you are in a line to deposit a check, I'm the obnoxious person in front of you asking about what type of coffee is inside of your Starbucks to go cup. This personality trait has gained me so many wonderful memories that would have never happened had I not taken a leap of faith in humanity, however im always a bit paranoid of befriending Ed Geine on accident because " he sure had a nice smile, like Jesus right?"
I've had great luck at choosing morally enriched people to randomly befriend, except for that one time, I was almost gang banged/tag teamed by 6 cambodians in front of my mother. For over a year, I had been planning to go to Siam Reap to see Anchor Watt when my mother came to visit. At the time I was living in Thailand, and considering that we only had some short amount of time to spend together, I basically attacked her at the airport with a list of daily itineraries that needed to be completed before any time was sanctioned for unnecessary "trivialities", like sleeping. Prior to her arrival, I faced a delima in regards to our transport to Cambodia. I wanted to treat her to the flights , but teaching for the Thai government didn't really allow me to splurge on first class. It saved me over 400$ to fly to Phenom Penn initially, figuring that I would rock into the first tour agency I stumbled upon and hire a night taxi for the 4 hour drive into Siam Reap.
For those who are unfamiliar with Cambodia's history or the little genocide courtesy of the tender hearted Pol Pot, please let me explain. 4 million people were brutally tortured and murdered in the name of communism and at the hands of the Khmer Rouge Army. That's the state of Texas being wiped off the map, within only a few years. The country now is not only desperately poor, but the land is thoroughly peppered with land mines that take lives and dismember people everyday. In Cambodia, if you meet anyone over the age of 45ish, you can rest assure that either their family was killing or they were the ones being murdered. What I loved and still find so beautiful about Khmi culture is the message of forgiveness. I find it unfathomable that a group of people who have been thoroughly exposed to such tragedy and betrayal are capable of burying the hatchet and redeveloping friendships within their society. Considering that I still hold grudges from bitches in high school, Cambodia is refreshing in that the trials of my past seem insignificant, ignorant and small in comparison. The country allows you to be grateful at their expense, and learn from their torrid history.
So, we hop into this mans 1994 camary, which happened to be the car I grew up driving and set off on our soon to be memorable journey. At first " Eddie " the driver seemed very chivalrous. whenever we asked to stop for a drink or to pull over to take a picture of a temple enroute, he was more than happy to oblige and I naively trusted him without question. " Eddie", was conversationally more fluent in Thai than English, and being the show off that I am, I rambled off my new language skills shamelessly in front of my mother who was seated in the back of the vehicle . I digress, by stating that when I speak in Thai my voice raises about 9 octaves from my normal alto/ former smoker voice. I imitate the famous Thai soap stars, who squeak their language out like Mini Mouse would after inhaling nitrous oxide. We drove on chatting, while I noticed Eddie continuously checking his cell phone and I honestly didn't think twice about it as he spoke to the caller in hushed Khmi tones.
All of the sudden, the car pulls over and my mother who was seated in the backseat snarled, " why the hell is he getting out of the car?" Questioning our now nervous driver on ," why the fuck has the car stopped." we drive for for another 5 min down the desolate road. Eddie was still examining his phone when he stopped driving. At this point, he switched his emergency lights on and we immediatly saw four motorbike lights snaking towards us. In hindsight, I dont really remember seeing the five men get off the bikes or encircling the car, near the backseat. I do however recall seeing one shirtless mans pot belly fully exposed as my mother reflexively screamed," No,,I'm the mother, no im the MOTHER,!" The events that followed do not even feel real, and I can only compare it to the one horrid car wreck I was ever involved in. The exchange was under probably two min, but felt like it was going in both slow motion and taking an excruciatingly long time to get through. So as my mother continuously screamed out, my attention turned to Eddie. I blindly found the automatic lock button on the right side of my passager door and placed my left hand firmly on Eddies thigh. Leaning close, I did what I do best.....I hit on him. Like a stripper needing to make next days rent, I began contorting my body towards him tits first and proceeded to stroke his leg, smile demurely and mustered up all the Thai I had learned while I was laid out with that broken wrist. I pulled out no stops as I complimented him, " on being a real man, Eddie you have a car, and that is rare in this country... I know you want to take care of me Eddie. And I love your eyes, they're so..... brown"( insert knee squeeze). Within what felt like 45 min of sweet talking, Eddie began to look at me and blush, turn to his friends, turn to my mom ..and look back at me with confusion draped upon his face. Realizing that we were at a Mexican standoff and not loving the visual of my mom preforming oral to a group of five men, I began to step my game up. My moms screaming not even penetrating my sudden assertiveness as she sat bewildered in the backseat surrounded by a gaggle of men between the ages of 30-60 staring into the car, she must have been confused hearing her only daughter cooing an unknown dialect in a tone reserved for actors staring in 80's porn. "Eddie,?.... Can you at least look at me, can you at least tell me if you think im pretty???" Eddie at this point turns to look at his friends for support, at which I grabbed his chin , bugging my big blue eyes out and looking as innocently in love as possible I asked again," Eddie, you dont think im pretty? Dont look at them Eddie, look at me. I like you and I dont want to meet your friends today? I know you would never want to hurt me, and you just wanted me to meet them, but I only want to stay with you, so lets just go right now, and we can go get drunk tonight ?.. I have my own room, so if you want we can just drink there...ok?"
I knew my powers of persuasion worked when Eddie asked,
" So tonight we go get a drink?" "
" "ugh, god yes and tomorrow I want you to show me Angkor watt , so let's just drive babe!"
Finally the engine buzzed and we slowly rolled down the dark road, my hand still very much on Eddies knee. As we drove, the sting of forcing my hot tears back was making my lower lip tremble and I needed to lose my shit crying on a floor, in the fetal position very very soon. I had to keep my compusre not knowing if we were ten min away or two hours away from our desired destination . My mother in her sweet southern voice reassured me from the backseat with, " baby, good job baby.. We will be fine, but you get that young mans phone and either throw it out of the window, or do something with it because his friends will start calling and you know about peer pressure". So I begin reacting to Eddie much as I would to a serious boyfriend who had driven me too fast on a highway or got drunk and embarrassed me in front of my friends. I began berating him with my arms crossed, "I can not believe you just did that to me Eddie, I thought we had such a nice day today, why did you want to scare me? In fact, I don't even know if I can trust you anymore, and I was wanting to invite you to my room to talk with me tonight..." Eddie was now thinking with his penis and desperately apologized as if I was Lorena Bobbit and his cock was min away from being chopped off and thrown into a nearby yard. His hands raised to his head in the prayer position as he furiously tapped his forehead chanting the mantra of, " no my darling, I would never want to scare you, I just wanted them to see you speak Thai". My lower lip now in a full temper tantrum pout as I whined, " then give me your phone, because now I feel scared and all I wanted to do was trust you, now you have to prove to me that you can take care of me". In submission, Eddie sheepishly handed the phone to me, his new master, as I quickly pressed the Nokia off button with my quaking pointer finger.
Once dropped off, we told security and ran to the room, visible shaken. It would take days to kick the " what could have happened" out of our minds. Now, it has become a crowd pleasing story, with me still not understanding why my autopilot reflex was not fight nor flight bUt flirt.
